I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
