Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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