Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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