im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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