dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
