When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Little spoons don't ask big questions
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize