I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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