I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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