The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just threw up on my dentist
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
