You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
