So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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