I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
