i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
