just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
