Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
These tits shall not be calmed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
