No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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