Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
