Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
