there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
