I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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