but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im holly from the hills drunk
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize