Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
