If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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