Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize