mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
