quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
