hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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