I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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