I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
