Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
