Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
