i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
