peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
