I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize