Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
