I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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