I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
