While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
