I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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