it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
