dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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