Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize