You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
