you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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