We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
