Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
