I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You pole danced in your parka.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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