it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
