mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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