btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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