he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
