OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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