I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Found your dick twin last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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