Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
