I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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