I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
