if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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