O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
