I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
