If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
