Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
