The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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