I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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