In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
