Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
