90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
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