...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
