Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
