dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
