apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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