He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
