dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
