Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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